Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Missing the Mush

I find it quite strange how my recent posts are about love and relationships. If I were to map my thoughts and the general state I'm in, this is certainly a subject that I have come to appreciate in a new way. For the most part of my life, I was single and happily so. I used to relate independence and strength of character to how successfully one can survive single. People around me moved in and out of relationships; I saw heartbreak in all shapes and sizes. At a certain level I considered myself lucky (and even above them) to surpass the constant bickering. I never imagined that in the distant future, I would actually miss the presence of a significant other, at the risk of feeling vulnerable, pathetic and human.

My recent almost solitary trip to Verona(the backdrop to Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet) was one of mixed feelings. There was something so charming about the pocket sized town, yet I was filled with a terrible longing. Relationship-wise, my life has been one of many ups and downs and I wouldn't exactly say it is in ideal form right now. As I visited Casa di Giulietta(Juliet's house), I was appalled by the throngs of tourists lip-locking at the famous balcony. These are the very things about mushy love that I cringe at, though I secretly also envy. I want to do the cheesy things that couples do in love, cry to ballads and clutch on to silly keepsakes. On the way back, I did some lettering to resemble the creepers hanging from Juliet's balcony. The many depictions of 'love' as a thorny shrub, one that is twisted, and complex, I thought was never more apt and better understood.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Four texts and an illustration

Not too long ago I faced a strange heart-break, not the kind that makes me dive into a tub of ice-cream yet not as inconsequential as an 'another one bites the dust'.

Our not so brief encounters started in September and over 2 months and something, I saw myself growing very fond of this person. Though like every classic love-story, this one was tragic, mostly because maybe I was way too involved. While my spouse started another relationship on the sly, it came to me standing up for myself and respecting my own ego; that is why I had to let this one go.

I wrote these texts from time to time. They summarise why long distance does not work for me, at least not for now. Maybe some day, I would have the maturity and the detachment to be comfortable with distance, though right now I don't see the point in it.

This for me is closure, my earnest attempt at it.

1. Infatuation
I suppose I mentioned several times how much I like you already, so I wouldn't repeat myself! Hope I didn't freak you out by baring my soul. I'm a dreamer and don't consider anything impossible! But I can see where you are coming from..Honestly for me it was enough that we spent some amazing hours together..It was a feeling I long to feel! Even though the future is all a big question mark..I sure hope we stay in touch! It's rare that I come across a genuine and honest person that I can vibe with. Stay the same! Journey safe..and know that there is this weird little boy that thinks about you! Ciao.

2. Serenade
Every time I meet you, I discover something in myself I didn't know existed. I feel more human. It hurts to see you go, though longing to see you again keeps me excited. What you do to me is hard to explain and I feel quite powerless at times. Still, it all feels worth it! I reflect on how nothing in life is permanent, yet I wish I could live those fleeting moments forever. You are special and I think I like you..A LOT!

3. Trouble
I get it...I myself hate to be pestering you constantly about being in touch..it's not part of my personality to force anyone. But at times I get vulnerable and just wish you would care and be involved..even just to say Hi...it sucks because it expects too much from you especially with you being so busy these days. But I don't know what to do anymore...It's all so sad, I met someone I actually like after so long...and the situation is just unfortunate. Anyway..don't want to say anything else..Ciao. See you when you're back.

4. Letting-go
It's not you, it's me; it's my fault that I'm into excellence. I thought you were someone special, but you're mediocre and ordinary and flawed, just like the rest of the world. So no hard feelings. Who I knew from 2 months ago is gone anyway, who I met yesterday is a different person. I'm keeping all the good memories from our interactions; you can keep all the guilt.